As I'm still struggling with my writing mojo, I'm not sure if I love this flash fic or not, but here goes nothing. It's exactly 200 words (yup, I'm a geek like that.)
As always, I'm open to any and all comments you may have. And thanks in advance for reading.
But the room was black, empty.
Something felt wrong. Lewis was as punctual as a tightly wound watch, and Cheryl thought "late" meant arriving twenty minutes early. So where were they? Her imagination whirled. Had someone or something attacked them?
Was it still there waiting for her?
Inside, carpet fibers rustled. Samantha narrowed her eyes, searching in the darkness while refusing the cross the threshold. What made that noise? What was in there?
It felt wrong.
While her impulses told her to run, her feet wouldn't move. Curiosity plucked at her attention. Against her better judgment, she reached inside for the light switch. Blinding florescent lights flickered to life.
"Surprise!"
Swear words ran through Samantha's mind as hands gripped her arms and dragged her inside. She spotted Lewis and Cheryl at the center of the crowd. She had felt more comfortable thinking her friends were hurt.
Trapped. Now she was trapped. She glanced around, searching for an escape.
The door swung shut.
21 comments:
Yes, I liked this!
Oh, wow, can I relate to your character! ;) Great suspense... and I love the twists at the end.
Awesome scene! Interesting that she'd rather not have a surprise (birthday or otherwise).
Great job, Rosie! :)
You had me holding my breath and waiting for the bombshell ! Nice twist at the end !
My entry at no.#59
Nicely written. Thought she was walking into a trap, but not what I expected. Great tension.
Patricia T. #85
Likey! Good use of sound to evoke eeriness. And cool picture too.
Ohh a surprise party! Nice!
Great entry. I hate surprise birthday parties as well, Roland
Good twist at the end!
P.S. I'm in the Urban Fantasy group with you. :-)
Haha, nice. GREAT parallel at the end with "The door swung shut" in contrast to "The door swung open" at the beginning. Love that, as well as the twist of surprise, all in 200 words.
I love it! I dislike surprises as well, so I can totally relate. :)
Haha. You incorporated some great personality here. I felt like I got a sense of each of your characters' individual ticks. Awesome job!
I know that feeling. This is a great piece. Well done!
I guess Samantha doesn't like surprise parties!! That sure was a surprise ending. I am still smiling. Great story. Oh and nice to meet you fellow campaigner.
I particularly like the way you described the friends. Nice job. Mine is #72
Ha! Great ending to this piece. :)
My entry.
Nice suspenseful scene, and I liked the party twist at the end, especially how the character feels trapped. I wonder why? Well done!
Great suspense and twist at the end.
Have a wonderful weekend.
Poor girl. I like how you managed to really sink into her perspective (Gripped her arms, dragged her inside, etc.), because I could tell she really doesn't care for surprises.
Maybe when she goes to the bathroom she can escape out the window? Very fun.
Lol! I love the twist! *gulp* A surprise party would make me search for an escape as well. Haha!
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