Anyway, here's my question, folks: How's the hook? Do you feel hooked? I didn't like the opening to the last version of this, and this version will keep me from having to do severally massive rewrites (though there are always TONS of rewrites, no?). That aside, if you don't like it, that's okay, too. I'm still learning/teaching myself what works.
Any comments or critiques are more than welcome. Thanks for reading.
Fighting Fate, beginning of Chap 1 (465 words)
|My Anabelle Lindsky|
Anabelle watched in the mirror as her reflection disappeared. Before it dissolved completely, she squared her shoulders. A shudder ran over her spine. She swallowed her fear. She could no longer see herself, only the floral wallpaper behind her.
The moment of truth. She turned to the door and opened it as little as possible. In the hallway, she walked on the sides of her feet, trying to keep her dress shoes quiet. Another pair of shoes slapped the ground behind her.She flattened herself against the wall and held her breath until he turned a corner. She kept her eyes on that corner. How had she become such a coward? If she planned to do this, she needed to do it right. She pushed herself away from the wall and continued down the hall.
She slid past another guard at the entrance to the restricted areas. The Mansion’s walls glowed a brighter yellow than the halls she’d seen on the tour earlier. The cherry wood tables and chairs, which lined the walls in the public areas, were absent here. She worried she might get lost in the restricted area with no identifiable landmarks of furniture. She tried keeping a map in her head of the turns she took, but direction had never been her skill—no matter how much magic she injected into a mental map.
Instead of worrying about it, she focused on the magic she knew she could control. Invisibility. Seeking. She’d used it in middle school to avoid the mean girls. She’d used it in high school to avoid the teachers she didn’t like. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d used it to find the person she sought instead of avoid. She concentrated on her limited knowledge of her target—his physique, his personality, his likes and dislikes—and hoped she could get a trace on him.
She’d never used her seeking abilities on someone she hadn’t met before.
She continued wandering the halls until she sensed him behind a door. She backtracked around a corner and spotted a surveillance camera. In order to talk to him, she would have to become visible again, but she couldn’t do that in front of a camera. She’d never tried to disrupt electronic equipment, and she hoped she could manage. She reached up until she reached the wires behind the camera. She imagined the the last thirty seconds playing on a loop, a continual visual of nothing, and said a silent prayer to her guiding spirits for help.Her throat constricted and she reached to tug at her collar. She’d never felt comfortable with things around her neck—turtleneck sweaters, tight necklaces, even her fingers to check her pulse. Despite the shaking in her chest, she listened for the door to open and prepared to drop her invisibility.